Category: Dating and Relationships
ok I have a real dilemma not again! I hear you all cry as you rush collectively from your pc's} smile..but bear with me ...I need to inform a friend of mine about the malicious behaviour of her fiance,there are 2 outcomes
1.She refuses to believe me with is likely and we fall out in a big way.. ...
2.She believes me and the info gives her reason to question her relationship which would break her heart.......
So 1...would you tell her everything...
Or 2... would you base your admission on the need to know
...or 3..would you keep quiet and let them go ahead in the knowledge that her fiance is mentally cheating....
I really need good sound advice here...cheers peeps
Alex...
Hmm, well, "mentally cheating" is a very very vague definition, to what level .. does he fancy someone else, does he talk ecessively with someone, does he have plans of meeting up with that person?
I think you need a very sound basis before turning around and telling your friend about this. You are going to cause a lot of pain and if you do it prematurely and they break up she may always accuse you of having broken them up, if he actually has not done anything yet, well you can't say much because you don't know if he is going to do it.
Well, ask yourself, how would you feel if someone told your gf about your recent crush, hr being pregnant, do you think it would've improved or your relationship or broken you apart. It's really up to your values and the specifics of the situation but you get the idea from me, rightly, that you should not tell her, not at this point, not if nothing has actually happened. If you don't have a concrete reason to tell her, well, you could be perceived as simply trying to ruin a relationships. People, even if they are happily dating or I'm sure happily married may have minor crushes on others, at work or people they meet, and as long as they don't act on those crushes I think it's just a fact of life and they can't help it really. What they can help is whether or not they act on those impulses. We find so many people fascinating in our lives and, you know, it's ok to appreciate those for who they are and enjoy the fact you may be attracted to them and vice versa, but you can't actually act on those feelings.
Your attraction may also have to do with other things that need to be fixed in the relationship and it might be temporary problems that once they work themselves out will take away the external attraction.
Basically, if you come in during these difficult times and make everything explicitly clear you will cause a lot of harm and grief and anger and a lot of that anger may, justly or not, be directed against you.
So, be careful where you tread man, hope you find this helpful.
cheers
-B
I have a very sound basis ...being followed...having this guy turn up at my place and just sit there in his damned car for 2 hours! staring up at my window...25 silent phone calls 5 all in 20 minutes...then the other day he flew up behind me slapped me on the back..which as you know is damned frightening {I did warn himseveral times never to do that so it could only have been deliberate} he then said "hey Al! how's it going did you get my call on monday where have you been" I could admire his audacity if it wasn't hurting his fiance but this is feckin disturbing,I've also been informed that he followed me down Great Western road in the car at barely 20mph, does that sound normal to you...Sorry man its just bizarre....
... I have told Ardeth as she was suspicious, and after much thought, she understood and admitted a crush also so we can sympathise with each other.
Wildebrew this is not minor this is bordering on obsession and I feel exposed...
Well only looking at this little window of this situation, I'd say that because you are the one this person is fawning over, you have a right to tell his girlfriend what he is doing. If you have contributed in anyway to his advances Then what you are feeling is guilt. Still she must be told. If you feel that this is bordering on obsession and you have spoken to him about it person to person and he still persists, then mabey legal action should be persued. Well a well known quote comes to mind in this situation.
Boyfriends come and go, but friends , true friends are forever.
thats true...I have backed out of discussing it with him, as I'm sure another no! will only exacerbate the situation,
as he's very decisive and determind....
....I made the decision over a week ago, to end our friendship because of the intensity of my feelings towards him and a few days later, the calls started I really fear the repercussions of telling her..cheers
I want to hear you say you want nothing to do with the gentelman caller. We are all going under the assumption that you want nothing to do with this gentelman, that would be why you would want to tell the girlfriend. You have also said that you and her have a friendship. As I said before this is only a window and a small window at that. With this part of the window only being one sided reg lights go off in my mind. Unanswered and unasked questions lead me to want to hear you sy that you want nothing to do with the gentelman caller. People ask for opinions when they've made up their minds and want others to be in agreement with them. In saying this what do you think the best option is and why? Write it out, read it, then make your desision. If this persists and he is determined to have you, then ultamitely he is going to leave her. It's like this, you can offer her the chance to dump him, or if what you sai is true and he is determined to have you, then he will eventually leave her. What, a perdicamint.
I absolutely want nothing to do with this guy period! ..what started out as friendship and admiration, has turned into dislike,which is rapidly evolving into unease..he seems determind to have me and the fact that I no longer feel the same,is largely immaterial to him....
...you have seen to the very heart of my dilemma, yes she and I are friends,and she's a great woman, though I feel she may be avoiding the truth as there are none so blind, as those so completely in love..so I will write out several options and decide on the best...
..one thing is certain his reaction will not be pretty.
Hmm, well, this is very different from the original email. Hm, initially you didn't make clear tht you were the object of affection and it was that obvious, that does slightly change the situation.
Well, my impulse would be to somehow convince the guy to stop bugging you by whatever means necessary and see if you can work that out by getting your friend/his fiance dragged into the whole thing.
I am sort of wondering what my rections would be if a friend of my fiance (if I had one) came to me one day and said that my fiance was hitting on her, I think aib tof disbelief and resentment would be my initial response to this honnestly.
I think you need to see if you can break if off and get him off your case first, then you can decide whether or not to tell. If he doesn't love her or want to be with her the truth will soon come out, she might even know and just refuses to deal with the subject.
Cheers
-B
if you dont feel like telling her, then dont. if you feel that its crossed the line, do whatever you feel is best.
right, well there are lots of issues here. firstly, does the fiance know that the guy is bisexual? because if not, not only will you have to tell her that her fiance is making advances towards someone else, but you will then also have to inform her that he has feelings for men, and believe me, if that's something she doesn't already know, it will be something that is very hard for her to take, and in all reality, is something she should find out from him, and not someone else. secondly, if you do not wish to have a relationship with this individual, then it is up to you to tell him that your feelings for him have changed, and that actually you no longer wish to have a relationship with him. he might still be under the ilusion that you have feelings for him, and if that ilusion is then shattered, it might disuade him from his attempts to win you back.
Well, my friend, you have a tough one on your hands this time. Many different sides to this puzzle. The first thing is to protect you relationship with Ardeth. i think that's strong enough. If this guy is doing this with you in mind, what's to keep him from doing it with someone else. Betrale is not just physical, but you do need to be so careful. How she finds out about him is the real hinge to this whole thing. Is there a way for her to see his true colors without it getting personal with you? I'd hope you can find a way to do that. There isn't a cut and dry answer to this one, if ther were, we wouldn't have so many hurt and confused people. Your friend is going to get hurt in the long run, your problem is how and when and by whose hand? His or yours or someone else down the line. I feel for you and my best thoughts go out to you. I'm glad you are seeking council in other areas, and I know you'll be careful and aware of all involved. Take Care,
Carla
pull the other one love its got bells on....
thankyou all I appreciate the advice ..smile.
hmmm I'm still wrestling with the problem man I could almost be flattered if he wasn't so full on, its not as if he's unwanted...SugarBaby his finance is aware of his sexuality and accepts it as just another facet of his personality....
however she came to see me this morning and asked me straight out "if I had misled her fiance into thinking there was something between us" after a few minutes to calm down, I put her in the picture..she was livid and promised to confront your man about his behaviour...this guy will NOT accept no its the 1 word guarenteed to make him try harder......
An example during Louis' 2nd birthday bash earlier today, he turned up with a gift for the little man,Louis thinks the world of this guy and with a crowd of parents and children, from his nursery, I could hardly refuse without explaining everything...so we let him in to give Louis his present and say hello but outside in the hall he took my hand and said "see you soon pal I'll call and don't hang up this time"...
Fuck the girl being cheeted on, and give her the spider man, pull out just before you cum, cum into your hand, throw the cum into her face and yell go web!
I think you should use your judgement. If you think this will end up hurting your friend if you don't tell, then by all means. There was a time when my friend was going through a relationship I truly wasn't comfortable with, and I understood that although she may be mad at me when I break them apart, it is better for her in the long-run. Just remember, sometimes something is better for someone, even if it takes them a while to open their eyes to it.